Fibers of the Core

“So much time underground,
I guess my eyes adjusted to the lack of light.
It doesn’t really matter where it all began.
All I know - I got covered in darkness. I was lost.

Turning pages over,
Run away to nowhere,
And it’s hard to take control.
Change will come”

~Darren Hayes

After weeks of sleepless nights, ravaged and exhausted by insomnia, losing ten pounds from not eating and caught in the middle of an hour-long, seemingly inexplicable, crying fit, I decided to call the therapist I haven’t seen in over a year. After talking to her for less than a minute, she said in a stern, unwavering voice that I will never forget, “Jonathan, you’re having a crisis. You need to come in to see the crisis counselor on call, right now.”

It was November 2006, and I was still in denial about being stuck in an abusive relationship that had completely torn me apart without me realizing it. Out of shame, and completely out of character, I hid it from my friends, my co-workers, and my family. I thought I was simply making sacrifices and problem-solving in a relationship that was meant to work. I missed the signs, I fell for the belittling derisions and manipulation that eventually made me feel powerless, and I lost far too much of my Self in the process.

Part of being in the closet in Botswana means I’m not able to talk about this experience, which is unfortunate considering where I’m based. Working at the only rape crisis center in the country, we deal with many different cases of domestic violence and abuse.

Spending time at WAR (WoMen Against Rape) has brought up a lot: all of this rhetoric about not blaming the victim, realizing I’m still irrationally blaming myself for what happened, and learning more about the textbook cycles and maelstroms in which I found myself drowning years ago. Almost three years later, I still find myself re-living situations and imagining me asserting myself when I hadn’t. At least the nightmares about Peter have finally stopped. The last one was this past February, a time when I finally learned how to let go of most of the anger that’s been fulminating since I broke up with him.

We all think, “That would never happen to me.” And we are often confused to hear the stories of abuse survivors, wondering why they stayed in it, never realizing it could happen to any of us. It’s a product of the things we do when the full spectrum of our emotions are pushed to the limit all at the same time.
I know that I am far from alone, and although my situation doesn’t allow me to share my story with others in person, it motivates me in my work here. I cope partially by helping others, and my experience in Botswana has helped and taught me in ways I never expected.

A few months ago I started spending my Tuesdays at the Maun Hospital. It took me about 6 months to get approval from all of the right people to make this happen. This began as part of my own interest in mental health, to learn more about the inner-workings of the hospital and to spend time with the social workers. The opportunity also allows me to serve as a liaison to WAR since many of our referrals come from the hospital and most of the staff are fairly new, knowing little to nothing about all of the different services WAR can offer to those who are survivors of abuse and assault.

The first morning I sat in a waiting room before my initial meeting with the social workers, I felt like a kid in a candy store, in a demented kind of way, I suppose. Throughout the building, there were sick people, patients on surgery tables, clients receiving their HIV test results, people on the brink of death, psychiatric patients and pregnant women ready to pop, so many people in urgent need of care. I reveled in it, and I thought to myself, “This is where I want to be.”

Everyone in the hospital seemed to be busy and in a hurry, doctors, nurses and social workers running around the building, acting with a great sense of urgency. I don’t get to see that type of work ethic very often here, and it’s been incredibly energizing to be in that environment every Tuesday.

I spend most of my time with the social workers, and we learn a lot from each other. It’s a beautiful, reciprocal relationship where they teach me about the social work models they use with clients, and I get to fill in the gaps with the models I learned in psychology. I think I’m learning much more from them than they are from me, but I’m actually consulting for them on several cases, some WAR related and some psych. related. The experience is fascinating in part because I have a passion for psychology, I want to be a Counselor some day, and I could see myself doing social work in a hospital, but in the States having a B.S. in psychology means nothing. Here, it means a lot because it’s one of the fields of study that isn’t offered at the University of Botswana.

I’ve read through most of the intake files, heard stories and got to be with several new clients myself. Providing mental health care through the social work offices at a hospital, everyone comes to you with a psychological problem that is connected to a physical one. Those with hypertension are taught how to cope with stress and anxiety, parasuicide cases are provided ongoing counseling for depression, those with a newly positive HIV test are given counseling on the spot to cope with their results, the child rape/incest survivor and her family are provided counseling and referrals to WAR, and the schizophrenic who hears voices telling her to bury her baby alive is given holistic adherence counseling with her mother to help her stay on her medication.

During my third day at the hospital, the Chief Social Worker came to me with a client. He quickly told me that he was late for a meeting, the other social workers were all out, and this meek woman standing before me spoke English. I looked at him, trying to hide my mild bewilderment, and said, “OK…” In the next moment, he was gone. For a split second, I felt like a stray dog caught in headlights, but I regained my composure and politely told her, “Have a seat while I review your chart.” In other words, sit down, and I’m going to take a moment to think of what I’m supposed to do with you.

After several moments of conversation, I was able to assess that she had frequent headaches, pains in her side and occasional feelings of dizziness with no known physical cause. I told her that I thought she might be suffering from psychosomatic disorder and asked her if she’s been experiencing a lot of stress lately. She nodded her head, so I proceeded to ask her a series of questions about her home life, work life and cognitive behavior.

In summary, she works 7 days a week, her boss is a tyrant who won’t give her any time off and is violating labor laws in myriad ways; she lives with her boyfriend, daughter, and brother, but she is the only one doing all of the household chores, laundry, cooking and cleaning every day. She’s also having trouble sleeping at night.

After explaining how all of this might be causing her physical symptoms, we started to discuss some possible solutions. I inquired how she would feel about asking her brother and boyfriend to help with some of the housework. She looked a bit perplexed and responded, “But it’s our culture. They are men.”

I took a few minutes trying to express how much I understand the culture despite the color of my skin, throwing in some Setswana as often as I could. I suggested she explain to the male members of her household, who seem to care about her very much and have good relationships with her, that her stress is causing her pain and would like some help sharing the workload. She agreed to try.

We also talked through some things she can try with her boss, and I taught her how to meditate as another way to help with her stress and her insomnia. By the end of our session, she felt good about her action plan and thanked me for my help. At this point in time, all of the social workers were still out and about.

2 weeks later, she came back for a followup, and she looked more confident and content than she did when I first saw her. Miraculously, things were already much better. Her pain had subsided, her family has begun to help her with the housework, and she’s taking time off from work. She thanked me, profusely, for how quickly she felt things had improved since our chat. She felt trapped, a feeling I’m quite familiar with, and I was able to help her see all of the options available to her to change the situation. Even when the world seems dark, there’s always a way out. Sometimes, we just don’t have the strength to see it ourselves. Our eyes adjust to a lack of light.

Later that day, I was sitting on one of the couches in the group counseling room when one of the newer social workers, Phefo, approached me with a defeated look on his face. All of the social workers at the hospital are men, and he is assigned to the gynecological ward. After asking him if everything was ok, he told me that one of the doctors he was with this morning had examined a woman who had a twig stuck in her cervix.

Although it was clear to the doctor she was attempting to abort a pregnancy, she denied everything and refused to talk about it. Phefo was at a loss. Since abortion is illegal in Botswana, and only a handful of doctors in the country are trained on abortion procedures, many women resort to doing it on their own when they have no safe options to pursue and are afraid to talk about it. Phefo was asking me for advice.

To his credit, he simply wanted to help this woman. He showed no judgment for what she had done. I told him about BOFWA (Botswana Family Welfare Association, i.e. International Planned Parenthood Federation under a local name) and that they have experience providing counseling to such women and referring women to doctors in South Africa when necessary. He had never heard of them and was happy to have a resource, someone to ask for advice with something he has little experience.

The Social Work ward at the hospital is shared with the IDCC (Infectious Disease Control Center), so I get to work with other staff as well. I’m partnering with some of the nurses and doctors to start a support group for HIV+ adolescents in my village, with one of the staff at a local orphan care center taking the lead. It’s a program called Teen Club that started at the Baylor clinic in the capitol several years ago, and now they’re trying to expand across the country. Once we set everything up and find the teens who are interested, we’ll meet once a month teaching life skills and provide support through participatory exercises and fun activities.

In my village of approximately 35,000 people, there are about 300 teenagers who are on ARVs (Anti-RetroVirals). In other words, they are HIV+ and their immune system has become weak enough that they have been diagnosed with AIDS. Some got it from their HIV-positive mothers, some from each other, and some of the girls got it from being raped by older men. Regardless of how their sero-conversion occurred, they all share the virus and the challenges in life that come with it. Teen Club is a group that will help support them on their journey, and I’m thrilled to be part of it.

It’s true that many of the issues we deal with here as Peace Corps Volunteers are challenging to one’s spirit, and the issues can be intense. I thrive on that intensity. Some people think these issues would make us desensitized and numb. I don’t find that to be the case at all. It’s much more complicated than that. It’s living and working in a place with a lack of resources, creativity and solutions that makes me feel numb, not the issues. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed trying to process everything in my own life here at once that I just turn everything off. Perhaps, that occasionally numb feeling has arisen as a coping mechanism. It’s working here in a culture so exasperatingly different from our own that causes that feeling, not the issues with which we work and the people we serve.

A few weeks ago, I sent a text message to another volunteer who I would soon see at a workshop we were both attending in the capitol. She told me that she was irrationally excited about muffins and good coffee, to which I responded, “I disagree. These are probably the most rational emotions we’ve felt in a while.”

Riverwalk, in the capitol, is like a thin slice of Orange Country, a large strip mall with nice restaurants, shops and a movie theater, in the middle of nothingness. I’ve never yearned for something that resembled the OC until I lived in Botswana for a while. A little piece of capitalism and commercialism never felt so enticing.

Someone from the new batch of volunteers recently said of our group, “You don’t seem miserable, but you don’t seem happy either. You just ARE, until it’s over, I guess. I don’t want to be like that.”

It’s not dealing with these intense situations that wears me out or makes me numb, as many might think. It’s not about being desensitized. These are the type of issues with which I enjoy working. It’s the day to day living here that wears us out.

Living life in a numb, detached way and going through the motions, is often the best way I know how to survive here. It bothers me, and there is no way to describe what it’s like to be completely removed from one’s culture and then forced to live and work in one that can, often times, be incredibly frustrating. You don’t even have a concept of what your culture is, how connected you are to it, how much it defines you, until you are no longer surrounded by it. At times, it’s incredibly difficult to be here. And with so much time to think and process our own lives, a lot of emotions and nostalgia bubble up to the surface.

I was highly struck by the emotions I felt when Jim and Derek, my first visitors from the States, left a few months ago. Jim is a part of a core group of friends who are like family to me, and we’ve been a meaningful part of each other’s lives for over a decade, even though we’ve all lived in different cities for most of that time. In the past, every time I spent significant time with any of them, I would feel slightly uneasy for a few minutes or hours right after we part, like a temporary void had been created. Knowing that and that I haven’t seen anyone who really knows me very well in over 16 months, I wasn’t sure how the end of their visit would feel. After I left Jim and Derek at the airport, I felt nothing in particular. I just went back to work, back home and back to my life. I suppose one could say I felt… numb.

I knew coming here would change me in ways I could never anticipate, and in ways I may not notice for a long time. The absence of any reaction to Jim leaving tells me I may have become much stronger emotionally, I’m just so content being alone, and/or something else I can’t quite define yet. I’m not able to tell, but I do know that feeling, or lack of feeling rather, means something has transformed within me.

I remember calling Jim one evening 3 years ago, during that difficult period in 2006. I was a sobbing mess after talking to Peter. Our relationship was reaching a breaking point; I had reached a breaking point. I remember my emotions feeling so out of control that I couldn’t even decide what to do or where to go next. I felt trapped. I asked Jim to simply tell me what to do, and it was a defining moment when he told me I needed to break up with Peter. How did I get to the point of feeling so powerless? I felt like I had completely lost any control over my life and needed someone else to make a decision for me.

I honestly can’t remember what Peter and I were talking about before I called Jim. I do remember feeling confusion and intense emotional pain. I remember crying, long, wailing sobs. I remember muting the phone off and on so Peter didn’t hear my sobbing outbursts, until he figured out what I was doing and told me he wanted to hear me cry. I let him, not realizing at the time how twisted that was.

I experience a full spectrum of emotions here in Botswana, but they are controlled, compartmentalized and often hidden. It’s those emotions that are part of the reason I stay here, that I feel I am gaining so much from this experience. Despite the robotic fashion in which I’ve grown to interact with many people here, I encounter several individuals and situations that remind me that I still know how to feel. One of the rambunctious children in my neighborhood is a good example.

Pego, a 10-year-old boy with an undefined learning disability, has several friends who come to my house for help with their homework almost every Sunday. Since last summer, it’s become quasi-routine. I sit and help them with a variety of subjects, learn about their lives, and pick up more Setswana along the way.

After not seeing Pego for a while, I learned from his friends that he’s been out of school for several months. I think he might have Attention-Deficit Disorder, but he hasn’t been properly diagnosed. He is filled with energy, has little ability to focus, sometimes speaks complete nonsense, and he’s always smiling. I’ve never seen him look upset or belligerent. After gathering more information from Pego and his friends, I discovered that his teacher kicked him out of school and told him she couldn’t teach him anymore. Pego was also bothered by his classmates who constantly tease him for his erratic behavior. Discouraged by trying to get him to focus, the teacher asked him to leave school and not come back, without any other options for an education.

I decided to take on the situation. I asked Pego’s friends to tell his father that I would come by to see him the next day to find out how I might help Pego get back into school. As I walked down the sandy paths toward the river on my way to Pego’s home, his uncle saw me and stopped me. He was on the verge of tears as he said to me, “Kabo. I come to you with red eyes because I’m upset… I just want him to be in school… that child should be in school… I just want him to be in school, and every time I see you, I think ‘Kabo can help.’ Kabo, please help us.”

When I arrived at the small concrete structure where Pego and his father live, a tiny one-room house about 6 feet long and 6 feet wide surrounded by a burgeoning garden, his father was happy to see me and quickly came out with two plastic chairs so we could sit outside and talk. I learned more about the situation at school, that Pego’s mother died when he was very young, and that their family knew nothing about their options of how to get Pego back into school.

Over the next two weeks, I worked with one of the social workers in the village and one of staff at a local school for Orphans and Vulnerable Children. Almost every day, I teared up just thinking of Pego, trying to get him back into school and worried that he may begin to feel like no one wants him, due to the abandonment issues he’s probably developing. He reminds me that I’m not numb, that I still know how to feel; it washes over me in short bursts and waves.

We were able to get Pego into a special school with compassionate teachers who can work with him and his disabilities. After his first week of classes, I was walking home from the office when one of the neighbor kids stopped me excitedly and said, “Pego is going to school! He no longer cries every day.”

Those kids remind me to stop and appreciate life in a plethora of contexts. During my long walk home, I frequently have moments when I just want to close my eyes and block out all of the challenges of living here, the array of emotions overwhelming. As long as I keep moving, keep walking, I feel ok. If I stop to wait for something, wait for a taxi, wait for a khombi, wait for anything at all, my mind would wallow in the reality of all of the minor challenges of living here. I’d rather push through the discomforts, just keep moving, and try to clear my head.

On my way home just recently, I passed a house with a violent domestic disturbance. This husband and wife were wrapped around each other, screaming, in the yard beside their home. They released each other just as I walking by. I slowed my pace, but pretended not to notice them until the husband went inside and his wife remained outside crying. I discreetly walked back and asked if she was ok. She said she was not and told me to call someone. I called one of the WAR Counselors and she said she would come with a police officer. A minute later, I talked to the woman again, and she told me not to send anyone, but gave me her number, and I told her about WAR’s services.

I felt unsettled and on the brink of tears periodically throughout the evening, wondering if she was ok, and hoping she received my text messages. It, again, reminded me that I am far from numb, and also that I still love this work. It is the intensity I feel anywhere on the full spectrum of emotions that motivates me and keeps me going, from compassion and joy to anger or depression; it’s what makes me feel alive, and I wouldn’t trade that intensity for anything.

Peter used to tell me I was too intense. It was a part of his spate of criticisms that I started to believe and tried to change. I didn’t realize how much that vital intensity made up the core of my being. It is one of the thickest fibers woven through the fabric of my Self, yet I remember trying to sever it.

A few hours later, she texted “Thank 4 ur concern an help.” Shortly thereafter, she called me. “I’m not ok. He’s threatening me.” Then, I heard him yelling and we were disconnected. In 10 minutes, I was at her doorstep with a Counselor from WAR. I was prepared to stay outside while my co-worker did her job, but this woman insisted that I come inside. For the next 2 hours, my colleague and I had a conversation with this volatile couple, calming the situation, learning more about them and offering solutions and services.

This man speaks to his wife the way Peter used to speak to me. I saw so much of myself in her and so much of Peter in him. She wants all of these things that he will never be able to provide, be a friend, a husband, a confidante. She says that she constantly feels on edge, like I did, and said they sleep back to back in their bed, like Peter and I did toward the end of our relationship.

Peter used to bombard me with criticism instead of addressing problems in our relationship, much like this woman’s husband did, berating her right in front of us. She wants something he’ll never be able to provide, nurturing love and support, the same things I was craving and would never receive from Peter. Also similar to how I felt in my moments of feeling trapped, she’s still not sure if she wants out.

For me, it was my friend Heather who gave me the first necessary and blunt reality check about my situation. She’s currently planning and fundraising for her trip to Botswana. She’s going to spend 2 months volunteering and working with me at WAR. Since she’s currently working on her certification in Substance Abuse Counseling, we’re working with her to put together trainings on Alcohol Abuse Counseling for service providers in my District, and incorporating the strong links to both HIV and Domestic Violence.

During that turning point period in my life, Heather and I sat in a café on the corner of Crescent Heights and Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood catching up on each other’s lives. It had been several weeks since I had seen her. I started talking about some of the problems that Peter and I were having in our relationship and how I was handling them. As I wrapped up my explanation, her face began to contort. I watched the transformation happen in slow motion, like one of those action movies where someone suddenly sees danger and the film switches to slow motion for dramatic effect as the protagonist breaks through a glass window to safety.

At this moment, Heather looked at me as if a giant tree had spontaneously taken root in the middle of my forehead. In the same tone of voice my therapist had used, she said, “Jonathan, I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. You need to get out, and you need to get out now.” I was still oblivious at that point.

Hearing similarities to the women’s stories at WAR reminds me of my own denial I once experienced. Hindsight is truly clearer. Reading articles and reports, interacting with clients, listening to stories, it all brings back those memories. Part of what I’ve learned about myself, being at WAR, is how much I hang on to things. Years later, I still hadn’t truly forgiven Peter for what happened. More importantly, I was still blaming myself.

Given all of the time I have alone to think and process here, I often feel nostalgic. My favorite thing to do in those moments is to read old journal entries. I like to think I have a good memory for events, but rarely do I remember exactly how I felt at any given point in my life. My journal tends to capture that well, a snapshot of emotions during a specific moment of my past.

After my first date with Peter, I wrote: “We've only had one date, so I can't make conclusions. All I have is the initial fantasy of who he is and what a relationship with him could be like. But there's a lot of potential here. So much that I can't stop thinking about him.”

June 18, 2006: “I shouldn't be questioning myself. I don't need to give an explanation or reason beyond the fact that I was made to feel uncomfortable, disrespected and belittled, and in public. I told him No and to stop, and he still didn't. He tells me I needed to have a reason. In the moment, I don't need to have a reason. Telling him to stop was all that mattered.”

October 5, 2006: “In those moments, in my half-asleep stupor, spooning in the middle of the night, I felt that we were one being. It wasn't scary. It was surreal, drifting in and out, mySelf, Us, mySelf...Us... I transcended to a place of euphoric serenity.” On this entry, looking back I realize he was asleep, in his most calm and peaceful state, and I was stuck on thinking of him in that rare condition.

October 23, 2006: “Maybe we're not compatible. Why can't I cope with that thought? Because it felt so good in the past? Because things feel so comfortable? I hate that it feels like it's my fault, something wrong with me, something I did.”

November 27, 2006: “The moment I knew I was blinded was the day after we broke up, and talking to my therapist, the clarity of all of the emotional abuse became quite apparent. It's still difficult for me to understand how I stayed in that situation. I felt vulnerable and weak to acknowledge that I craved a sense of security and a future with someone that badly.”

Looking back, mixed with all of the other external factors of my life at the time, I can understand why and how it all happened. Emotions are powerful, they can make us delusional, and it can happen to any of us. What’s important is that even though he was persuasive during my multiple attempts to break up with him, I got out.

In my last journal entry before I left for Peace Corps, in April 2008, trying to express my emotional state melodramatically in third person, I wrote: “…there's nothing else to rely on. He walked on the road for miles until it came to the cliff. He didn't stop, didn't flinch, or even take a deep breath. He kept walking as if the road never stopped. Like lemmings diving to their death, he fell peacefully and unknowingly, but this man didn't die. He fell into the harbor and swam.”

Since breaking up with Peter, I never wanted to get stuck again. In my internal dialogue, I often tell myself “Keep moving, no matter what,” as one of my core survival instincts. Cliff or not, keep walking. I’d rather fly or fall than feel trapped. I walked away from Peter and just kept walking, in the same way that I keep walking through my neighborhood during my journey home, not wanting to stop.

After I had the strength to walk away, I didn’t want to stop moving. I felt compelled to continue walking, walking into the unknown distance and future, fearing that if I stopped I would find myself stuck again. If I kept moving, I was safe.

Jumping off that metaphorical cliff was quitting my job. For the following ten months, I was freefalling, wallowing in the epitome of liberty, having little idea of when or where I would collide with something solid, completely emancipated from chains, roots, or anything else that would keep me still.

Peace Corps was hitting the water. Sink or swim, but no matter what, just keep moving. At first, I felt lost in this indescribable ocean of my new life here in Botswana, just doing my best to stay afloat. But there are now islands everywhere. It’s ok, to just stop moving and take it all in, feeling on solid ground, a place to sit, simply be. These islands that have emerged from my Self are filled with life, oases replete with sustenance and refuge for my wandering and weary soul.

I realize now that Peter was secretly unhappy with his own life, projecting everything he felt bad about himself onto me, and the way he often spoke to me with ten different versions of “You make me miserable, but don’t leave me.” He was a coward, repeatedly dumping criticisms and running away. He never wanted to face his problems, our problems, and instead took advantage of my vulnerabilities.

I continue to see parallels with the stories of the abuse survivors here. The other day, talking to one of WAR’s clients, and hearing her quintessential story of domestic violence, her experience made me think of another Darren Hayes song:

"And she takes another step
Slowly she opens the door
Check that he is sleeping
Pick up all the broken glass and furniture on the floor
Been up half the night screaming now it's time to get away

Pack up the kids in the car
Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write
But there are groceries to buy
And she knows she'll have to go home

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on”

In a country where some men think it’s ok to beat their wives because “they need to be disciplined,” a place where some women think a man doesn’t love her if he doesn’t hit her, and a place where women often have few options, I am surrounded by these stories. This woman struck a chord with me in particular because she said “As long as I was moving, I felt safe.”

Always smiling and upbeat, I never would have thought something like this had happened to her. I wonder what real emotions she’s experiencing underneath her perfunctory smile. Our stories, experiences, cultures and identities are very different, and her situation is far worse than where I was, but the parallels exist, and we’re both glad we got out when we did. We feel empowered in that, even though we still blame ourselves a little. It’s a work in progress.

I may not be able to share my story directly with others in Botswana, but it still helps in this work. We’re not numb, but sometimes we hide our inner feelings to survive and get through the day. Over time, I’ve learned to compartmentalize my emotions in a complex filing system that has turned into a small library. With the intensity of emotions I experience here, mixed with living in a culture very different from my own, it would take far too much energy to express every emotion I feel at any moment of the day to every person I encounter.

I may have become numb in most of the day-to-day living here, but the fibers of my core are alive and thriving in ways that I find to be joyous and fulfilling, simply because they are an integral part of my Self, the being that I have learned to treat with the greatest respect.